you deserve sunshine (on the deadly powers of Rainbow Brite's shining light to vampires)

"I don't want to be numb. I don't want to be a zombie." I hear that from patients a lot and I understand. Years ago, back in the late 1900s, my doctor put me on a particular medication for my social anxiety and depression. My mood did improve but one day I was standing in the library on a computer (this was how we accessed the internet in olden times) chiming in on a message board discussion for my women's studies course and I realized I wasn't angry. And I really should have been because this rich asshole was bragging about the fact he could trace his lineage back to the Mayflower. I wasn't sad or worried or overly angry but I wasn't…anything. I didn't want to be nothing so I went off my medication (I have since found the right medication for me and feel all the feels).

Now there were times over the years where I felt low enough and had made enough of a mess of my life that I didn't object to numbness. At first. But there is a human drive beyond safety, a drive for joy.

It's not just medication that numbs us. We do it to ourselves. Some of us respond to the cruelty and uncertainty of the world by putting up a wall. Do you remember learning about cells in biology class? Some cells have a cell membrane which is flexible and decides what it will let in and out of the cell. Other cells are surrounded instead by a cell wall. It's rigid and protective but doesn't take the time to consider what comes in or goes out, it just blocks anything above a certain size. We're all born with an emotional cell membrane, but a lot of us build up a cell wall to protect ourselves. It becomes hard to get hurt but the tradeoff is joy goes too. Someone asks how you are and you say "fine." And it's true. You're fine. Not sad, not angry, not lonely, not heartbroken. Not happy, not wondrous, not joyful, not excited. Fine. You're just fine.

Maybe you convince yourself you're happy. You have two great kids, a good job, you're healthy. So much to be grateful for. But you don't feel grateful. Your house is clean, your Elf on the Shelf game is on point, your coworkers know they can always count on you. But who even are you anymore? Someone's mom, someone's wife, someone's colleague. Who were you before all that?

There was a time before the world stole your joy. A time you had dreams, that you giggled, laughed until you cried, ran around making too much noise, making messes, making up games, playing pretend. Jumped in the water not worried about getting your hair wet, rode your bike downhill with your hands in the air, jumped off the swings and flew. You wished on stars and believed in magic and believed in yourself. You had it once and you can have it again, but you have to be brave.

Being busy and taking care of everyone else has kept you safe. Your numb inner world is protected by that cell wall. It feels dangerous to start to poke holes in it. You’ve learned to be such a good girl, to never disappoint, to keep everyone calm, everything clean and orderly. Put everyone else first. Be good. Be so good nothing bad ever happens. Be so good they love you. Even if you don’t love yourself. Even if you’re not even sure your self exists anymore.

But if you don’t start poking holes in that cell wall, no light can get in and your light can’t get out. Somewhere along the way you learned you don’t deserve to get lit up, to feel joy, to do things just for you. And somewhere along the way you learned not to shine. But darling, you deserve to soak up the warm rays of the sun and you deserve to burn your light with the radiance of a goddamn supernova.

There are a lot of people who’ve taught you to dim your light and there are people in your life now who will feel threatened when you start rekindling it. They might punish you. Scratch that, they will punish you. Will your cell membrane be strong enough to filter them out but hold your joy in? Maybe it won’t be at first, but we can be brave together and figure it out. We can take our time and have fun along the way.

Vampires fear the sun. They pull you into darkness where their kind are strong. But you’re not dead yet, queen. You’ve got a fabulous smoldering little pilot light inside of you. And together we’re going to light this world on fire.

***

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Good moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Rainbow Brite

See the shining light

Yes, I’m gonna take you to Rainbow Brite

Starlite flies

Right before your eyes

And rainbow colors will cheer you up

Magic light

Gonna take you for a ride